Aikido Metaphor, Language, DBT
I haven’t had any conscious, pseudo-literal applications of aikido principles for a long time now. Recently at a DBT training, the trainer challenged us to stop using the word “but” altogether and instead use the word “and”. I’ve been trying this and have been giving it some thought also. As I was explaining it to my wife, the aikido metaphor was all too clear, cheesy as it may be. I should add that the trainer said that she no longer uses the word “but” in her life and in fact it is odd-feeling for her to do so - and it has changed her consciousness somehow.
When I say “but”, I bring part of the conversation back to myself, my point of view, my center. It happens in a way that I stop the flow by inserting myself and my “hold on a second, let me establish some comfort for myself here, let me get a handle on this”. When I use “and” (and in the beginning it certainly takes some effort, partly to go against a habit and partly to exercise some mental muscles I’m not used to using), first, I’m quite clearly searching for and establishing some agreement with whatever it is that the other person said. Cognitively speaking my brain is coming up with something to agree with and how to say it. Also, my brain, while striving to say my own opinion, works to overcome the exclusivity that it may initially perceive. For example, Person A says, “I like Humvees”. Person B, instead of, “But they use too much gas. Prius’ are where it’s at,” says something like, “And I like Prius’ because it’s sleek, cute, etc.” or “Yeah, they’re stylish. And if you can’t afford a Humvee , Prius’ are where it’s at” etc.
The trick is, of course, to connect with what the first person said. In the first example above, there’s virtually no connection. When you simply “turn to face the same way” as the other person, as we may learn in our first aikido classes, there is no connection. Yet connecting while expressing your own point of view is probably something difficult to do in the beginning. (This is where I start to drift off into a rant on aikido and some people’s over-emphasis on connection before learning to turn and how to stand i.e., how to confirm one’s own point of view, opinion, etc. And to give myself some space to more fully explore that, I’ll leave it for another day.)
