Stigma (”Manipulative-ness”, “Resistance”, “Connection”)

Communication in general involves a lot of interpretation and presumptions, probably more so than we take for granted. When one is more in a receiving role, such as a student, there is accordingly more assimilating and conforming to the giver, or the teacher. That is, we try to adopt the teacher’s way of seeing and thinking, and the connotations of their words.

When I first encountered very mechanical explanations of aikido technique, or expressions such as “attack the knee”, “kill the momentum”, etc. I was a little struck. Possibly because I was young, I didn’t stay stuck on stigmatizing or resisting those unfamiliar ways of doing things - however I did have to spend some time or effort wrapping my head around the whole idea. Something like, “That teacher said ‘kill the partner’s movement’ but I can tell his aikido is good, soft, etc. and he is a nice person.” The point is, don’t get hung up on words. Make them work for you. How those words exist in your mind is largely within your power - definitely less so others’ power.

This is very closely related to what we can often hear about learning eg going to a seminar: “Take what you want or can use, throw away the rest.” Basically, you have to learn how to learn. You have to come to know how your own brain, heart, cognitions, emotions, etc. work. By the time I considered myself a Hombu person, I was used to dry, technical presentations, and presentations that were entirely non-verbal nor elaborate. I could “switch registers/dialects” more easily. That is, I could take in and grasp different teachers and their varying ways of seeing and explaining easily. This carried over to my counseling studies.

Inevitably when we learn about communication and learn how to communicate, we get one form or another of specific expressions. When we counseling students learn active listening and empathizing, we also learn that we strive to do this in order to establish rapport with the client, connect with them, make them feel heard, make them feel safe. I imagine someone who didn’t trust kooky shrinks would see this type of training and think, “Those counseling students are being taught to be manipulative!” I think skeptics relative to anything would have the same reaction, whether it be to religious teachers, community leaders, ski instructors, etc. In any case, if you are a student, being skeptical toward your teachers is probably one of the most un-constructive attitudes to have.

My personal triggers

Although I don’t have a reaction to “manipulative”, I do to “resistance” and “connection”. All of these three are subjective and very vague, but for some puzzling reason my reaction is to the latter two. (I won’t touch on “connection”, as what I’d have to say about it would be very similar to “resistance”.)

When I think of “resistance”, I think of the feeling of pushing a brick along a concrete sidewalk - there’s that particular feeling of pushing it as well as its non-responsiveness. When I think of “responsive”, I have the image of pushing a beachball floating on the water down into the water. The feeling that you “get back” is different from the feeling of pushing the brick (and of course the ball bounces back/responds - I’m not talking about what you feel when you let go, but the feeling as you push). Maybe for some people, there is no difference in the sensations. In aikido practice, then, a person might feel a “brick partner” and a “beachball partner” as very similar. For me, the difference (and consequences) are so different that it feels almost alarming that someone would feel them as the same. And ironically, some people perceive the “beachball partner” as “resisting”, possibly because they are used to “brick partners” who, once you’ve pushed them so far, you can let go and reposition yourself or whatever while the partner stays put. Accordingly, in that person’s brain, the label “resistance” has already been assigned to a certain concept (”Sorry, that seat’s taken”).

So my issue is, why do I have trouble with another person sticking to their particular set of labels. In fact, I am troubled despite some resolution around having differences of opinions that are valuable to me. I think it may be that I am triggered by being labeled by another, and dimissively so eg “You’re just this,” or “You’re just doing that”. But if someone called me “manipulative” for doing and aikido technique or explaining how to actively listen, for some reason I’d be able to shrug it off almost effortlessly (”No, I’m not. Sorry you feel that way. That stigma you feel about the word might hold you back from learning.”) What is the difference between being called “manipulative” and “resisting”? Perhaps in the case of “manipulative”, I can know my own intentions, so another person mislabeling my intentions does not bother me. In the case of “resisting”, I feel that it is not such a matter of intentions. Actually, perhaps it is. It could be the other person’s attributing some (ulterior) motive to my behavior, while I am not behaving with respect to any particular outcome, except to maintain a certain relationship. I may be experiencing some cognitive “stinking thinking” by overlooking the fact that my way of relating would only become clear to the other person over time, despite their labeling it after a moment or two of contact. I unwittingly subscribed to their criteria for labeling the behavior. Ah, that cognitive stuff sometimes does work!